Hate it or Love it

The past few days have been good. I got my breast aug, I feel fine, I think they will look really great when they heal up. I'm on a much needed break from school. So let's get right into it....
R texted me the night before my surgery and I wasn't not going to go over there. He texted me sober and to legitimately hang out which made me really happy. So I went and we played jeopardy and watched a movie together. He held me, we talked and it was nice. I did end up spending the night with him so I had to tell him about my surgery since I had to leave so early. At first I think he didn't like the idea of it and he wanted to know if I was doing it because of him.  So I had to explain how I felt about it and then he wanted to know how safe everything was and if I really wanted to do it. Eventually he told me it would be ok which was a huge relief because I had been so afraid to tell him for fear that he wouldn't like it and would shove me out of his life again. He was so nice to me about it all and it really touched me, I know he cares about me. He came over after my surgery and spent the night with me, he had me come to his apartment and spend the night there, he went and got us dinner, he let me stay with him most of today.  The problem is I don't know if he can ever forgive me for what I did to him and I can't really blame him. I regret what I did and I have regretted it from the moment I sobered up that morning. I want him to forgive me but I know the chances of it are low because he has a stubborn personality with pretty strong beliefs about human nature from what I can tell through conversations he and I have had. He has a very firm belief about what love is too and I know things I have done have conflicted directly with what he holds in his mind of an ideal mate.
My past has tormented me ever since the actual events occured. I want it to go away I want it to stop fucking things up for me. I am a product of my past and I know most people are, but what happened to me is so unusual and unnatural. I don't even know if he would understand if I told him things that happened to me and why I can be so venomous when I feel hurt or betrayed by someone. I realize I should have went to him when we had problems but hindsight is always 20/20 and when I had a reliable source (not reliable anymore) telling me that R said horrible things about me it brought back so many horrible memories that I couldn't confront him.
1) I hate crying in front of people. I knew I would cry if I confronted him. My strong dislike of showing emotion to those who hurt me comes from that year of middle school and even some of high school. I always told myself if they never saw me cry they didn't win no matter how much they hurt me. I remember sitting in class with tears so close to falling that I had to tilt my head back so the tears would roll back into my eye. 
2) Extreme fear of rejection.  I always felt that I had to use my brain to make myself better than everyone else and then I could reject them instead of them rejecting me. This comes from school and my mother. I had to be able to rationalize why my mother did what she did to my sister and I to be any semblance of sane. So I felt like if there was any chance he said what I was told he said that I would reject him. Also him not calling me for those 3 weeks added to my fear and to the evidence that he would say something like that about me, also when he showed up to gala with that girl that hurt me so much. It was like someone stabbed me in the throat. I couldn't breathe and instead of just being hurt I got angry and had to hurt him back. Terrible of me and wrong but I am only human.

3) Will I end up alone? The lingering scary thought in the back of my head. I was alone an entire year of my life in middle school. How does that happen to anyone? My mom and dad didn't want me and weren't capable of loving me the way parents should. That hurt and for sure impacted how I feel about relationships. When I first met him I felt a connection but I didn't think he would want anything to do with me like that. When things happened between us I was so happy. I would just be with him and be crazy happy. I never felt that with anyone, not with hot indian emo boy, not with my boyfriend of 4 years, not anyone. So when he told me he didn't want me in January it hurt so much because I thought he felt at least a little bit what I felt for him. I got upset and just felt once again that I would never find someone meant for me. I'm going to be 25 and have never had someone that I wanted more than anything.

I guess for him to just be in my life is enough. I don't know how I will feel if I ever have to see him with another girl but I love him and just to be near him is better than not being able to talk to him. I am happy for him to be back in my life and I'll take it. As for the guy who lied to me he is about to catch ultimate hell from me. I don't give a damn if we end up not being friends anymore because he ruined the opportunity for me to have a meaningful relationship with someone I wanted. I may have put the nails in my own coffin with my big mouth but he gave me the hammer and nails to do so.
I just hope that he will continue to let me be in his life even though I know he can't forget what I did to him.

I don't know what is going to happen to me. I need some medication, but that stubborn part of me doesn't want it. I don't want to admit that I need medicine to control my moods. I think from day to day I'm over him, but then I can only remember those moments where he made me so happy, all I could do was smile. I just don't know who else I'm ever going to feel that with again. I don't know if there is anyone else out there that can make me feel that, no one gives a damn about me.  Everyone around me can get a guy, but apparantly there is something wrong with me.
I hurt. 
I just want to love and be loved in return why is that so impossible?

I'm alive, at least physically. I don't think I'm alive mentally or emotionally though. Yesterday was a bad day. I had to call my ex, and I just sobbed over the phone. I was ugly crying, as I like to call it. My face was all scrunched up, probably setting the stage for premature wrinkling, and I had the breaks in my words, I was shaking, tears were coming out of my eyes so fast that my entire face was wet with blackish water (mascara+tears). He said to me what I knew, what I remembered "You didn't even cry like this when we broke up." So sad, I had a 4 year relationship with someone and hardly cried when it ended. I had whatever with R for 6 months and I'm dead. I cannot pick myself up out of whatever I am in. I'm terrified that he's going to come back in love with someone in our class. I will die. The only thing this is doing good for me is motivating me to go to the gym for 2 hours everyday. I run until I can't breathe, when I want to give up I keep going because I see the sight of him with someone else and I feel the anger/sadness and I just run to blast it out of me. Nothing can do it anymore for me. Not drinking, not making out with guys, not even music, not even writing. I think about getting on some sort of anti depressant but I'm afraid to depend on medication to stabilize my mood.
I don't know why I'm not enough. I could have been everything for him and he just didn't even want me. He would rather be free to meet someone else. I'm so unspecial that just the mere possibility of meeting anyone better than me is better than having me. I just hate myself. I'm unlovable, no one is ever going to love me. At least not anyone I fucking want. My grandmother is going to die and I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. I have no one and I'm afraid of what I'm going to do to cope with my grandma if she happens to die, what I'm going to do if R happens to get in a relationship with someone. The things in my head are coming back, the demands for perfection of myself. I just want to be perfect, I want to make him regret ever throwing me away.
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I'm thinking about getting breast augmentation, I'm online dating, I think I'm trying to distract myself from all of the issues. I don't know if it's going to work though.
I'm so tired of being morose. I'm tired of being fucking sad. It's just I felt the best I think I've ever felt this past Oct/Nov and I came crashing down like I was on cocaine or something. I felt like for once in my life, I was with someone who actually understood me and liked me. I liked him too which made it everything. I thought he would treat me right, I thought it would be a meaningful relationship even if it never lasted. But as soon as that even became a possibility he ran away and didn't even tell me what was going on. I spent my Christmas snapping at my family, even my grandma, and crying. I will never ever forgive him if that's the last Christmas my grandma makes it to. He comes back and tells me in so many words that I mean nothing to him. I just wanted to scream at him. What am I not good enough? Am I not pretty enough? Is it because I'm white? I want to see him have his heart ripped out, because he deserves it. I was nothing to him but someone to make out with when he was drunk. FUCK HIM FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HIM. I HATE him for making me feel this way again. I hate him for making me distrust everyone. I never thought he would do this to me, but he did it. He lead me on and didn't even want me. He didn't want me. NOONE EVER WANTS ME.  Hell I could be with someone for 3 months and they might not want me. So what if they hold me in the night, so what if they go places with me, so what if we're perfectly compatible in personality, so what if there is physical attraction, it might just be a FUCKING ABSOLUTE WASTE OF MY GODDAMN TIME THAT WILL ONLY END ON ME GOING PSYCHO DEPRESSIVE. It will make all of my friends think I'm crazy, rightfully so. It will make the guy I thought I could have loved pity me and stop being my friend. God just loves to make me suffer, I think that's it. I mean, what the fuck was I thinking? Why would R want to be with me? Why would he want to be with some pale skinned, big thighed, non existant chested, dorky fucking girl when there are plenty of girls he can go have? No one would ever want me, even if they could have me. I did nothing wrong with R and he threw me out like trash. That's all I am though, right? I'm not worth a commitment, I'm only as good as I am at sucking dick. Guys only want to be with girls like T. Guys don't willingly end up with girls like me, we only get a husband when he's old and fat and fucking can't get his dick up anymore. Maybe when all the men are done chasing the whores at bars they'll want me and that's all I'm good enough for, right? I'll be someone's consolation prize of a wife. Sorry, the girl you really wanted had so many men after her so you're stuck with this anomaly that even Jesus Christ can't love. I mean, because if Jesus loved her she would have been put out of her miserable existance long ago. I had a dream last night that I was going to die, and I knew it. Oddly enough I was fighting desperately to stay alive. It struck me when I woke up because last night before I went to bed I was thinking how much I just want it to be done and then I fell asleep and didn't want to die. I'm just so tired of hurting. I just want to love someone and be loved in return. That's all, that's all I ever wanted and it has been denied me my entire life and I just don't know why. I just can't let it go. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? PLEASE HELP ME.
I'm in a bad place right now God and if you could fucking have one ounce of sympathy on me I would fucking appreciate it.

"Your really a fucking mutchkint." That's the text I received last night. What the hell does that even mean? Well when I asked, the person told me it was a professor's last name. Ok, so what the hell does that still mean? I don't really get it. This shit has to end though, I know that. That is so disrepctful to text me out of nowhere and drop an f bomb. What is this guy's problem, or problems I should say.
I felt like replying with "You really can't fuck a woman proper".

I AM DONE. I am disgusted with myself for letting someone treat me the way he has. He is an utter piece of shit that doesn't even deserve to know me. We finally managed to have sex and he got his pathetic dick hard enough to actually get it in, but of course it went soft when it got there. He is a complete joke in bed. What man can't maintain an erection inside of a woman? Then he has the fucking nerve to ask me how big my ex was and told me I was "blown out" and he couldn't even feel anything. WHO THE FUCK SAYS THIS TO A WOMAN? I went into a rage and couldn't speak because I felt like I was out of my body then I promptly started crying. How fucking dare he, he knows damn well when he stuck his 2 small fingers in me that it was not loose. So unless his dick is smaller than his 2 fingers he can go fuck himself with his lies. Oh wait, yes it is smaller than his 2 fingers because he can't keep it up. He's 23 and can't keep his dick up. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

Then he had the nerve to ask me why I was crying and he didn't mean it badly. How the hell can that not be taken badly? He then wanted to talk about my ex's dick and started calling him a legend. How fucked is that? He then wanted to talk about what guys I like or think about/ fantasize about. What!??? What guy does this?

 He just is angry at himself and hates his own damn self for being so pathetic and impotent that he has to make me hate myself. Well it's not going to work.

I'm done with Indian men.

I have an exam in three days so I am freaking out at the moment. Nothing new right? I feel like I'm screwed on histo, but maybe I can pull something out. Tomorrow is going to be dedicated to histo/embryo and then Monday is all anatomy. Tues is tying up whatever loose ends are left, which I have a feeling will be quite a few :(. I hate the fact that I have nothing to bring me joy at the moment. I just feel.....alone.

I know I have friends, but I wish someone cared about me, like a best friend....anything really. I feel like I'm so unimportant to everyone here. Like I'm discardable. I'm just not needed by anyone. Maybe I just feel this way because of everything that has happened to me in the past few months. I admitted today that I am angry and sad over what he did to me. As much as I want to forget him and say he never mattered, I can't. I'm more angry at myself more than anything. I'm so stupid to think that someone like that would be interested in me. When am I going to get it in my head that good looking guys never like me? They might think they'll get an easy lay (or whatever....) and when they do or don't, that's it. No one wants a relationship with me. Am I that sucky of a person? I know I worry about school a lot, but I'm not a complete pessimist beyond that.

Plus, I like knowing everything. I just want to know what it is that I did wrong in this situation. Why he just stopped caring at all about me. I don't understand it. I don't think anything has ever been more hurtful than Fri, when he sat there and talked to my friend in front of me for like 5 minutes and didn't even acknowledge me. True, I ignored him too, but whatever. I feel like he is the one that fucked everything and made me feel like I didn't matter, so why should I put myself out there on the line again? Why embarass myself, fawn all over him, if he doesn't care about me? I don't want to be that girl. That pathetic girl that doesn't get the hint that he has no interest. 

Then I talked over this with Sara and she really did put some things in my mind. However, I have to wonder if I just want to believe what we talked about because it makes me feel better or if it actually could be true. Basically, I have instinct, and stories, that made me think this guy was at least bisexual. That is a huge problem, not only because he would be hesitant to admit it to himself, but also because it is extremely against his religion. It reminds me of my friend from HS who was so adamantly against gay men, and then turned out to be gay (not to my surprise either). Who could live like that? Who could live in a constant turmoil knowing they couldn't be who they really are? Obviously it would mentally fuck with you, and you would take it out on yourself mentally and others perhaps. He drinks a lot-and I don't think it's just to drink for fun. Drinking like that never is. Hell, I can admit that I have a problem with alcohol. Binging the way I do is a lot more than just having a good time. I drink to forget things, I drink to become someone I'm not, and to just not give a fuck. It's not healthy and I really am trying to get it under control, but everytime I drink now I'm either passing out or puking. But I think he's the same way. He's drinking to get away from something and he is not a secure man for whatever reason. He reminded me of a woman, the way he would fish for compliments, the way he was jealous over any guy I even talked to. So, I don't know. Everyone tells me to be glad not to be associated with him but still. I can't let it go because it feels like I was rejected, and I probably was. There's my problem: I fear rejection, and if anything resembling rejection or failure comes my way it torments me with no relent. So maybe I've just painted an inaccurate picture of him to make myself feel better? Or is he really an asshole? I try to be unbiased but that's a little hard when you feel someone rejects you. At least I'm not running around saying he has a small dick (yay for 2 years of maturation. Or maybe it's due to the fact that we actually did socialize and he didn't completely use me and almost bite my nipple off while he was at it)

I just don't get it! Why can't I just be "normal" and date? Honestly, this is just bullshit. 

So I got my test results back for unit 2. I honored the anatomy practical and histology (by a lot). I came 1 question away from honoring anatomy written. So I'm sure I honored anatomy combined. It gave me a great feeling of euphoria that is pretty much indescribable. I haven't lost it, I haven't lost my gift. That specialness is still there in me, even among 300 smart peers I am still able to be somewhere near the top.Maybe it's sad, but that is me. I've always been the abnormally smart girl and that is something I desperately want to hold on to. I use to shun that but now I want it.
Last unit was a nightmare for me. I didn't stress a lot about it to others but I was having breakdowns often. Mainly over S, not even over school. I felt so bad about myself. I thought about him all the time and wondered what was wrong with me...why he just lost interest without any warning. But whatever. For the first time in my life I can say in complete honesty that it is his fucking loss. I am smart, I'm nice, I'm weird (but in a good way), and yea I'm decent looking in an unconventional way. I'll never be "hot" but I think I do alright in the looks department. He'll never find another me, he'll never meet someone that could have cared like I did. But there are thousands of men like him out there- selfish, self centered, egotistical, alcoholic, annoying....the only good thing about him was the way he looked. I hated his personality. So fuck him. He got a few kisses out of me, nothing more. I want to do something spectacular in my life. I want to be the best person I can be. If that means I do it alone, it's alright. Yea it's nice to have a man's attention confirm your beauty-it's fun to make out and feel alive and young. I know that is fleeting. I'm aging and my time for fun has a half life. I guess that's what makes me sad more than anything. It doesn't bother me to be alone, not in a relationship. What bothers me is not having the fun in feeling in love, feeling possessed by someone. Fearing that I won't get that when I'm older because I'll be gross looking.
I've just accepted that I'm all I will have in the future. Nothing has ever clicked in the love department for me. It's ok. I wish it was different but it's just not.

So I have a lot to write about now. My first day of orientation was today. I've met a few people already so it was o.k., or so I thought. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people that were in our class. 302 or some ridiculous shit like that. When the girls and I got into the auditorium none of us could sit together because most of the seats were filled. I was stuck sitting pretty far from everyone and next to a guy that would not speak and a girl that was too busy talking to her friend next to her. I almost started to get sad but then I was like fuck that, this is like two minutes into orientation and everything will be ok. I was right. I actually had a little fun today meeting people. The people in my MD group seem nice and sociable. The downside is that the guys are mostly taken. One is dating someone, one is married. However, hot indian boy #1 is in there and I don't know his status and don't really care. I can fantasize. He was nice, we talked a little he was just really pretty. Then I picked up talking to some other guy and he ended up having a girlfriend too. Oh well, such is life I guess.

Then we went to our organized party tonight. A ton of people were there. I finally got to meet hot indian boy #2 that lives in my apartment complex. He was super nice and we're going to have our pre-party tomorrow night at his place since the party tomorrow night is in Royal Oak instead of Detroit. I had a lot of fun talking to people tonight. I weaved through the crowd and saw this really hot fucker I want to talk to and he added me as a friend a long time ago on facebook and he didn't do that with everyone so he must have liked something about me. I planned on turning around and walking back by him to try and talk but got caught up by hot indian boy #3. Then I talked to him for a good 30 minutes until everyone convinced me to leave since they were all ready to go and I was designated driver. That guy was trying to get me to drink too but luckily I had enough sense to know better. Anyway he was am amazing looking but his last name is a little too much of a reminder of someone in the now somewhat distant past. His last name is Sarkar lol. Fucked up.

Oh and a homeless man tried to come up to my car and get in. Luckily I locked the doors when I saw him on the corner. Then he proceeded to try and walk in front of my car with a squeegee to wash my windows. I was getting pretty pissed so I just drove around him plus I had a car full with three other girls getting pretty nervous.

So yea, eventful day. I will write more as I get to know people better. If I even have time.